From estephen@emf.emf.net Thu May 23 20:12:14 PDT 1996 Article: 72700 of alt.religion.kibology Path: news.emf.net!emf.emf.net!estephen From: estephen@emf.emf.net (E. Stephen Mack) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Mission: Kibological (SPOILERS!!!!!) Date: 24 May 1996 01:17:27 GMT Organization: Winter Weather, Berkeley, CA Lines: 188 Message-ID: <4o32n7$cup@emf.emf.net> NNTP-Posting-Host: 205.149.0.20 Last night I saw Mission: Impossible: The Movie. It appears there was some kind of input from Tom Cruise about this remake. Anyway. I have STRONG OPINIONS about this "movie." But these strong OPINIONS contain INTENSE SPOILERS. So do not read this article until you've seen Tom Cruise flung >from a helicopter onto a bullet train (that wasn't a spoiler, since it was in the preview). Seriously. Here's a page break: Now maybe you thought I was kidding and won't have spoilers here, but seriously (you can tell I'm serious because I stopped bothering with full justification), what I'm about to say will RUIN the movie Mission: Impossible for you (if such a thing is possible, given that...) One more chance to hit "n" (or click on Next or whatever goofy newsreading function you have to do to go on to the next article): "Your mission, Kibo, should you choose to accept it, is to obtain the confirmation of the condemned troll." Why did they bother telling Mr. Phelps that "should any member of your IM forces be captured, we will disavow" etc. stuff EVERY damn time? Did he EVER turn down a mission? Hardly. BAM BAM, DANT DANT WAAH WAAAH, DUNT DANT DAN DAAAH, DUNT DANT DAH DAAAH (WOO WOO WOOO, WOO WOO WOOOOOOOOOO^) DANT DANT, DUNT DANT DAN DAAAH, DUNT DANT DAH DAAAH (The above, there, is an exact recording, in .txt format, of the theme song to Mission: Impossible, you know, that song that's IMPOSSIBLE not to whistle after you're leaving the theatre, you know, the one that goes BAM BAM, DANT DANT WAAH WAAAH, DUNT DANT DAN DAAAH, DUNT DANT DAH DAAAH) The new movie, starring Tom Arnold and Jean Reno (the guy who played Vincent the Cleaner in Point of No Return), as well as Juliette Binoche, who starred in TOTAL DAMAGE, has a couple of flaws... For example, you could see from the very beginning that Charlie Sheen's character was the one who planted the bomb that blew up Moneypenny's limo. ...naw, the above is a stupid troll. Hit "n" now or else you'll see a REAL SPOILER THAT ISN'T A TROLL. Okay, so by now, you're either: 1) Not reading this. 2) Reading this, but you've seen Mission: Impossible and don't care that I'm about to RUIN THE PLOT TWIST. 3) Reading this, haven't seen Mission: Impossible, but DON'T CARE that I'm REALLY, TRUELY going to RUIN the surprise. 4) Reading this, haven't seen Mission: Impossible, but don't plan on seeing it. 5) None of the above. 6) All of the above, including #5. 7) Both 1 and 3. 8) Both 2 and 4. 9) Both 7 and 8. Hit N now if your category is 1. I'm sort of enjoying the interactive interactive interactive interactive interactive interactive interactive nature of this post. Okay, that should be enough length so that even broken browsers that don't obey control-L's won't accidentally see this SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER: Well now. I have one reaction to Mission: Impossible's SURPRISE TRAITOR plot twist: WHAAAAAT? I CANNOT BELIEVE that JIM PHELPS, a master spy for SEVERAL YEARS, if not DECADES, a HERO, a MASTER, an AMERICAN HERO, just decides one day that the end of the cold war has made him testy enough that he should WIPE OUT his WHOLE DAMN TEAM for SIX MILLION LOUSY BUCKS. "Why, Jim? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WHYYYYYYYY??????????" Okay, even ignoring the fact that Tom Cruise's character was sending mail to "Max@Job 3:14" without getting bounce messages from Mail Daemons, let alone REPLIES to himself at "JOB@JOB", and that he was using NETSCAPE 1.0 WITH THE DAMN THROBBING "N" to search through all of Usenet for the word "job" without getting a SINGLE HIT, and that the "alt.bible.job" group apparently exists for the discussion of the book of job and, unlike other groups, LETS YOU POST UNDER CHAPTER AND VERSE... ...and ignoring the fact that there's no way Phelps could have predicted that Jean Reno's character would beable to knife both the NOC-list-stealing fall guy and the doomed IMF babe #1 through the gate... ...and there's just NO WAY IN HELL that the helicopter could have flown through the tunnel of the TGV... ...and that the TGV is FRENCH and the guy at the end of the train spoke in some kind of ridiculous Cockney English... ...and the guy who played Marcel from Pulp Fiction (Ving Rhames; IHNJ,IJLS"Ving Rhames") as Luther, the 3l33t H/\kk^r, ordered a "prototype 686 with AI RISC technology" that he got to KEEP... (despite the fact that there's no way Hunt could have made contact with him yet, without having the list yet, nor enough money to buy all this KILLER HACKING EQUIPMENT as well as a fire truck and ominous black van) ...and there's no way Hunt (Cruise) could have know that Kittridge was putting on the watch to see through the glasses at THAT EXACT MOMENT... ...and that the word "disavowed" does not mean what they think it means (Andre Previn: "Inconceivable!" George Clooney: "I do not think this word means what you think it means.")... ,,,and that the CIA might get a little SUSPICIOUS of three firemen running into a storage closet, knocking out a guard, and not coming out for, oh, twenty minutes or so... ...but even ignoring all that... ...which, sure, suspension of disbe-blah-blah-blah ...... I just CANNOT buy that Jim Phelps would just kill them all. Plus it's got that real stupid "Villain Talks Too Much" cliche going, not once but twice: #1: Kittridge with Hunt in the Ultra Dolphin Room: "Blah blah blah, I'm here to arrest you but instead I'll natter on IRRELEVANTLY about Max and the Internet before trying to plug you for treason." #2: Phelps with Hunt and Emmanuelle Be'art's character in the luggage room of the TGV: "It would be easy for me to just PULL THE TRIGGER AND KILL YOU but instead I'll natter on and on about how smart I was in thinking how dumb you were and would fall for my MASTER PLOT blah blah blah MY WIFE, ISN'T SHE BEAUTIFUL AND FRENCH? blah blah blah" Sadly, I knew that Emmanuelle was bad when she wasn't blown up. Kittridge was right: anyone alive, other than Tom Cruise, was the traitor. Emmanuelle shows up: boom, she's the traitor. Phelps shows up: boom, he's the traitor too. Plus I was suspicious the moment he mentioned the Drake hotel. (ME: Why is he bothering to mention that he was at the Drake hotel? MUST BE IMPORTANT. He must be planning a double-cross.) I knew it. But I couldn't believe it. Jim Phelps, like Jim Parry, was like a father to me... ...and he shot me in the back. Not Kibo, I mean, that other guy. Oh well. Now I'll just have to wait for them to ruin THE SAINT and other fine TV programs. This post will self-destruct in five seconds. At this point, Kibo pulls off his face mask and reveals that he's really Martin Landau, about to launch the TGV at the moon to blow up its nuclear stockpile. The Eagle has landed. BAM BAM, DANT DANT WAAH WAAAH, DUNT DANT DAN DAAAH, DUNT DANT DAH DAAAH __________________________________________________________________________ -- Zeigen (E. "Tom Cruise" Mack) estephen@emf.net Post #53 Zeigen's Dilemma: http://www.emf.net/~estephen/ Any moron can be homophobic. But how smart do you have to be to be HOMO-SAPIEN-PHOBIC?