Concertgoers' Manifesto

From: Beverley <wednsday@tezcat.com>
Date: Wed, 20 Sep 1995 07:21:56 -0500 (CDT)


This document is also available at http://www.tezcat.com/~wednsday/
killfolks.html.


                        ELIMINATING STUPID CONCERTGOERS
                                       
   
   
A Manifesto For The Uncommon Human

   
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   The human race can be divided into two kinds of people: the ones who
   should be allowed to see concerts and the Unwashed Proletariat.
   
   The first kind of individual remains seated when it is good to do so,
   stands only at key portions of the concert so as to avoid leg fatigue,
   does not dance stupidly, does not slosh beer, does not get in the way
   of people, does not sneak into the GODSBEDAMNED PAVILLION all the time
   without a ticket, and is generally well-behaved and respectful of
   personal space. Ideally, said individual should also be able to enjoy
   a concert without giving the visible appearance of losing one's bodily
   functions and motor control.
   
   None of this can be said of the second type.
   
   Unfortunately, in the course of human events, it has become the case
   that the unwashed proletariat keeps showing up at the damn concerts
   when the ones who should be allowed are trying to watch the show,
   dammit.
   
   We shall now discuss means to eliminate the Unwashed Proletariat.
   
   
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   1. We of the People Who Should Be Allowed Into Concerts Must Obtain
   Large Sticks.
   
   These large sticks can be used to:
   a) thwop the Proletariat over the head
       b) thwop the Proletariat in the knees
       c) thwop the Proletariat in the genitalia
       d) lean on when walking.
       
   Additionally, one can hold the stick at such an angle as to push a
   path in front of one. With the addition of a sawblade along the edge
   of the stick, Blood Of The Unwashed Proletariat can in fact be shed.
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   2. We of the People Who Should Be Allowed Into Concerts Must Obtain
   Large Guns.
   
   I do not believe that this part requires an explanation.
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   3. We of the People Who Should Be Allowed Into Concerts Must Coerce
   The Security Fleets Into Action.
   
   For a bunch of bulky guys, you'd think there could be some real
   violence going on here. We must wave raw meat beneath their noses and
   throw the meat into the pit of the Unwashed Proletariat. (Well, it
   would work if I were a security guard.) We must engage in a plan of
   subterfuge to convince the Security Guard to Actually Beat These
   People Up. Then, perhaps, they shall run.
   
   Either that, or we get them to stand in a circle around We Who Should
   Be Allowed In and the band playing at the time.
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   We of the People Who Should Be Allowed Into Concerts Must Obtain
   Government Backing.
   
   Okay, so that's going a bit far.
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   In short, the Unwashed Proletariat must be removed from our presence
   that we, the civilized and quiet and musically appreciative, can hear
   the damn show without having paroxysms of claustrophobia.
   
   And it would be nice to get out of the parking lot at a decent hour,
   too.
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