Tele-Manifesto du jour

From: smopet@telerama.lm.com (Ron Strelecki)
Date: Thu, 15 Jun 1995 05:19:44 +0400 (EDT)
Organization: Telerama Public Access Internet, Pittsburgh, PA USA
X-Original-Newsgroup: 17595 of alt.bitterness

   I learned a valuable lesson as a youngin'.
   I was o'er my granpappy's house one day and the phone rang ... and 
rang ... and rang. I said, "Ain't ye gonna git the phone granpap?" and he 
said, "Naw, if it was important they wouldn't be calling."
   The phone USED to be considered a convenient sort of a luxury (is this 
not all self apparent?) Now I'll be over at a friends place and we'll be 
talking and the phone will ring and they'll grunt and say, "Damnit! who 
the hell is calling me?" and pick up the phone and talk to them.

   THERE AIN'T NO DAMN LAW THAT SAYS YOU HAVE TO PICK UP THE PHONE!

   YET!

   Answering Machines are nice but the real god awful THREAT to the 
future of our sanity is cellular phones and beepers. Find someone who has 
a beeper -- They are invariably one of two types:

   1) Pathetically needy people who feel that they ALWAYS need to be in 
contact with someone EVERY moment of the day.

or more commonly:

   2) They got it from work and without thinking accepted it. Accepting a 
beeper is tantamount to saying "I am your SLAVE twenty four hours a day".

   The only good use I can think of for a beeper is to get one that 
buzzes until you push a button and give it as a gift to your girlfriend 
-- but only if she agrees to wear it in her underwear. Then anytime day 
or night you can "get into contact" with her. Now THAT is a friendly 
reminder to show how much you care. It also is perilously close to the 
enslavement line -- which proves my point -- BEEPERS ARE GOOD FOR 
NOTHING! If your boss says "Hey buddy, Hey pal! I got a present for you." 
and hands you a beeper be real modest and say, "Oh, no You are to 
wonderful I couldn't possibly accept this - no thank you."

   Reminds of that AT&T commercial where the guy in the trench coat is 
overlooking a mountain vista and the voice over says, "Did you ever have 
a phone on your wrist?" Then the phone beeps and the guy answers 
IMMEDIATELY and his loving spouse says, "How you doin' honey?" and he 
says, "Just fine and dandy!"

   A more realistic version:
   Man is sitting down to a delicious meal with his family...
   
   VO: Did you ever have a manacle on your wrist?
   Phone beeps - man answers

   Voice on phone: Johnson! Get yer ass in here I need someone to wipe 
the doggy-doo-doo off of my shoes! Oh and I can see over your wrist video 
phone there that you are having a delicious Thanksgiving dinner - BRING 
ME THAT GOLDEN DELICIOUS TURKEY OR YOU ARE FIRED!

   Man: But sir!?! It's Thanksgiving.

   Voice: That's it YOU'RE FIRED! Report for castration immediately! The 
authorities are coming to put your lovely wife and children into the 
Corporate Sex Farm. In fact, I'm going to put a bid in right now.

   Voice Over: YOU WILL and AT&T will bring it to you.

So, if you want this to happen to YOU, by all means rush to answer the 
phone IMMEDIATELY every time it rings. The alternative is simple - Don't 
answer the phone when you don't want to talk. Unfortunately, those needy 
insecure people can get into power and if you don't answer on the first 
ring they react like you've commited a crime against them.

IT'S MY DAMN PHONE. It's there for MY (ME! ME! ME!) CONVENIENCE. IF I 
DON'T ANSWER and YOU WANT TO TALK TO ME THEN DO YOU REALLY WANT TO TALK 
TO ME?

Why the hell did we invent these things anyway?

Ron (smopet@telerama.lm.com)
This is why all those old people hate the phone company...