ET CETERA

                Questions, Answers and Other Unspeakable Horrors
                            by Judge Jerry Bachmeyer
                U.S. District Court, Northern District of Texas

[Stupid things from court trials, as found by the Dallas Bar Association.
Originally appeared in the January 20, 1992, issue of "Headnotes."]

It seems fitting (if not Entirely Proper), to review some more
memorable questions, answers and Other Unspeakable Horrors from the
deposition and trial columns of the past eight years.


Those Witnesses:
================

Raise Your Right Hand

Q: Do you understand what you are to swear to?
A: Yes, sir, I am to swear and tell the truth.
Q: That's right. And do you know what will happen if you don't tell the truth?
A: Well, your honor, I expect the other side will win the case.


Do The Preliminary Stuff First:

Q: Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition
   notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No.  This is how I dress when I go to work.


Now Where Do You Live?

Q: Mrs. Bates, where do you live?
A: Mexia, Texas.
Q: Have you lived in Mexia all your life?
A: Not yet.


Are You Married?

Q: Are you married?
A: No, I'm divorced.
Q: What did your husband do before you divorced him?
A: A lot of things that I don't know about.


Tell Me About Your Job:

Q: What do you do for a living?
A: I help my brother.
Q: What does your brother do?
A: Nothing.


Well, How Did The Accident Happen?

A: Well, when he hit me I knew there was an accident.
Q: Do you know who hit who?
A: I'd say we probably collided about the same time.


You Were Driving When It Happened, Weren't You?

Q: How on earth did you come to get so completely intoxicated?
A: I got in bad company.  You see, there were four of us.  I had a bottle
   of whiskey and the other three don't touch the stuff.


Were There Any Witnesses?

Q: Do you know of any witnesses to the accident?
A: Well, none excepting the ones that saw it.


What Injuries Did You Have?

Q: When you got to the hospital, they took 12 stitches to your head?
A: They didn't take anything, they put 12 in.


But Did You Recover?

Q: What did the doctor tell you about your condition?
A: He said I had worked up a bad case of lazy.


Are You Telling The Truth?

Q: You are absolutely sure of that?
A: I'm positive of that, sir, I think.


And Those Lawyers

Q: Now, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases,
   he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until
   the next morning?

Q: Were you acquainted with the deceased?
A: Yes.
Q: Before or after he died?

Q: In your opinion, how far apart were the vehicles at the time of the
   collision?

Q: Were you alone in the car?
A: Yes.
Q: Were you driving?

Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

Q: I direct your attention to the two vertical lines running horizontal
   on the diagram.  Will you explain what they represent?

Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, sir.
Q: You took your new wife?

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies have been on dead people.

Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?


And Those Unspeakable Horrors From The Twilight Zone!!
======================================================

Trials:

Q: Now, sir, did you or did you not on the date in question, or at any
   other time previously or subsequently, say, or even intimate, to the
   defendant or anyone else, alone or with anyone, whether friend or
   mere acquaintance, or, in fact, a stranger, that the statement imputed
   to you, whether just or unjust, and denied by the plaintiff, was a
   matter of no importance, or otherwise?  Answer yes or no.
A: Yes or no what?


Depositions:

Q: Is there anything about the accident or how the accident happened that
   we haven't already discussed here today?
A: Well, I don't believe I understand the question.
Q: Okay.  We've talked about, in length, how the accident happened, what
   people said as to how the accident happened.  Is there anything that we
   haven't covered that you can think of, anything in your mind that
   you're thinking about how that accident happened that I haven't
   asked you and you're thinking, `he hasn't asked me that' and `I'm not
   going to tell him because he hasn't asked me,' is there anything?
A: My God, have you gone and lost your mind or something?


Plus The Boffo Ending...The Child Witness

Q: And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral, okay?  What school
   do you go to?
A: Oral.